Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
