no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
