I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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