remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
3pm strippers are depressing
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
