He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Pooping to opera.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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