I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
