Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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