i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
