sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
