So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
then he tried to convert me to islam
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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