no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
