Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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