i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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