Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
