Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
