last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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