True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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