just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
