had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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