i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
