there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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