i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
