I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
