Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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