I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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