The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
