Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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