Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
love makes seman taste better
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
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