Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
