You're my little dorito
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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