nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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