I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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