Where is the hickey?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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