Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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