I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
