Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize