I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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