he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
