my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
