i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
