I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
