we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
