mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
