Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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