There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
