I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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