I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
