I murdered the dance floor call the cops
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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