I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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