I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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