I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize