I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
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