I just threw up on my dentist
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
