I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
