Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
