maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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