So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
