Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
