I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
