Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
