Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
